Just Exploring

Little by little we make small things big. Step by step we move forward. Following the right path, the Eightfold path, makes me calm, steady and happy. Did you find yours? Everybody has one, just some must look deeper or look for it longer. Just explore and it will unfold naturally.

Friday, October 12, 2007

Dark side

I just have had a tough week! Since Monday till Friday it looked like I was waking up on the wrong side of the bed. I can't really explain what's wrong, but things were just not running as I expected. Maybe that's the problem, maybe I'm expecting too much, well whatever, I'll just get it out through this blog and hope it will be over.

It all started on Monday (8/10). I am here long enough to slip into the routine, but not long enough to understand everything what's going on around me. Last time, I was praising sixth formers, well but maybe too soon, surprised me on Monday. In spite of the fact that it was a lesson after a test, they had no clue, or just blurred idea about the stuff I was talking about... well if it was not connected to the previous lesson I would have no objections. Obviously it wasn't just this. The whole day was moving very slowly and I felt somehow lonesome.

It's probably because I have no real friend, for good constructive talks. No complains or pointless coments! Good discussion. The other assistants are fine, but they are not exactly my types. Hungarian lad Guyla is little slow and not really honest. Even though he is trying to be the best example for students and caring friend to us, his behaviour was rather strange, specially during last few weeks. His friend from Hungary visited him, and Guyla suddenly disappeared. Now he is trying to bridge the gap, which looks even more strange. The french assistant Nelly looks in my eyes boring, it's probably only because I find here too passive. Which is not a negative characteristic, she is just different then me. Sebastian, German assistant, is probably the most alright person, but still some of his statements are quite harsh. And there is also Paula from Spain, well she is fine, but we don't talk too much. Don't get me wrong, I like these guys, what I am saying is just that we are probably not going to be the best friends forever. I had lot of fun with them, and maybe the good relationship will be developed as time goes on... will see.

Monday, after school, we started our Cambridge Proficiency English (CPE) course, which nailed me, completely! I find it very hard. All you lads know that my grammar sucks, even in Slovak. This course have very high aims, so even native speakers may find it hard. Well my first scores from Reading was 12/25 and from Use of English 8/18 which is not satisfactory at all! The other assistants are actually studding English in they home countries, so they were coping much better, even though they sad it is hard for them.

I couldn't wait to get into the bed and just past out! Hoping that next day will be better. But that was not over! I'm starting to get sick of some people I am working with. With some of them I am in contact since beginning and I will remain till the end, because they are my bosses. Specially the Head of Maths Jully. There would be nothing wrong on that, if she were sincere. Maybe she is, but I was really annoyed, by some of her behaviour, like pushing me and rushing my lessons, which is leading to students confusion and me being nervous. Then there are people which I am just discovering as very trustworthy and discussion worthy persons.
The worst think in school is that I don't have enough challenge, and I am taken as assistant. For example this week I thought only 4 periods with upper 6, and observed tones of Head of maths lessons, so I asked chemistry teachers to attend some of their lessons. After I told her, she was like: "just make sure that you have enough time to do your job here at maths department". I am like, what the hell? Well and whole school is too strict. There are rules for everything. For example I can't be in room with one student if there is glass panel on the door, neither can I have boarders in my room at Mallinson house -it's for my safety!!! Or the Internet is filtered. It would be all right if it was not little too much, for example bare typing of vulgar world into online dictionary will filter the whole page, or I wasn't able to check my yahoo account at the beginning. Lastly I wasn't able to check my blog, so even this post is written without me seeing it on the page. I am able to access only the blog making page, but not the actual blog! Isn't it ridiculous?

The last drop into all of this was my naive attempt to help Sam and Dean (boarders from Mallinson house) to get into gym. They are supposed to have induction and they need a written proof of it. On Wednesday night, after I swam a little, I drop into the gym just to have a look. Sam told me that he can't go in because he doesn't have his proof of induction signed.
So I was like "did you have induction? ".
Sam:"yes of course"
Me: "So I guess I can sign it for you can't I?".
So we went to the reception, but Sam told me that I should pretend that I am a P.E. teacher. Well, whatever, I just wanna help, right? At the end we were told that it have to be signed by the person who did the induction. So I just left. But I immediately realized that I did wrong and knew that I should have not lie. On the other day Neil (head of boarding dropped by, and sad that Sam and Dean are banned from gym, because of their rood behavior. I am like: oh yeah, I was there, but I left, what happened? Neil: " Well they were rood, and had inappropriate behaviour..., but the stuff from gym sad that you sad that you are a P.E. teacher, is that right?" Dam it! I felt really stupid and humble. My bloody bad state of mind peaked right now. I felt guilt, during the rest of the week, which even increased my shitty mood.

But no worries, week is over and I'm sure that plenty of good ones will come. Next post will be called "Bright side". I know, I know crying and complaining is not what you want to read about, but I just felt like this. Don't worry I'll be fine. All I need is little of mindfulness and peace in my heart.

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